I was doing this today with an opening scene and then a complete chapter.
Roughly two months ago I was asked to do some editing on a manuscript, to look at some aspects of Show and Tell (amongst other things). Of course a few bells went off. This is one of the major issues most writers struggle with even published ones.
So, I took up the challenge. It can and will only benefit me. Any time I can learn and improve my writing I’m all for it.
I did this writing exercise on my manuscript and I thought I’d share.
I should also add that the editor, who asked if I’m up for the challenge, also provided me with some great resources. I’ll write the name of the book and author at the end of the post.
This is an issue that is obvious, yet I’ve found so many instances of it in the chapter I did the exercise on.
You can read through the explanation, then some of the examples, and then try it on the opening scene of your current WIP or even a completed manuscript you plan to submit.
Here goes!
Redundancies: How to avoid telling what you have already shown.
Another common mistake often [seen] in manuscripts is passages that show and tell the same thing. Sometimes, writers have beautifully shown something, but instead of moving on, they add [a tell], as if to make sure that readers really “got it.”
Example:
Betty glanced down at the hand on her arm, her eyes flashing with anger.
The flashing eyes show her anger; the “with anger” tells us she’s angry. Just cut the telling. If you don’t quite trust the sentence to reveal the character’s emotions without the telling, rewrite the sentence to show more strongly.
Rewrite:
Betty glanced down at the hand on her arm, her eyes flashing.
Or:
Betty glared at the hand on her arm.
Example 2:
Betty’s brow wrinkled. “I don’t know if that’s such a good idea.” She obviously wasn’t convinced.
The wrinkled brow and her words show that she’s not convinced, so you don’t need that last sentence. Try not to tell things you have already shown. Trust your showing skills, and trust your readers to get what you’re trying to say just from the showing part.
Rewrite:
Betty’s brow wrinkled. “I don’t know if that’s such a good idea.”
EXERCISE:
Look at your first scene again. Have you told anything that you have already shown? If so, cross out the telling parts and let the showing stand on its own.
“Be proud of the progress you’ve made throughout this year even if it’s only visible to you ♥️”
This is one of the best quotes I’ve seen going around social media. Being proud of your successes, the ones no one might know about (since we live in a “it doesn’t exist if it’s not recorded/photographed” era).
One of my writing successes was editing a novel during Nanowrimo after a decade of not taking part in it And another was learning to walk after surgery. Both was exciting and excruciating on different levels.
My hope for 2024 is this: To keep on celebrating progress in whatever form it takes. To be proud of achievements. And to keep on making memories.
DISCOUNT PROMO — If you admire clever women and unfailing love in a tropical wartime setting, you will be captivated by this one…I am pleased to announce a cool book bundle offer by author Sally Brandle! You can grab the audio and ebook versions of her latest WWII romantic/exciting/inspirational (enhanced) memoir, now through April 8th!Yay, that’s awesome! This is just in time for Women’s History Month…
S ay It’s Forever A Close Proximity, Single Parent Romance from A.L. Jackson Coming March 28th “You matter, Salem. You matter. Look at you, darlin’.&r dquo; There was the charm all mixed up wit h the disorder that was at the heart of this man. My chest squeezed and the blood thundered through my veins. […]
Kiss To Belong, a childhood best friends to lovers college romance by Anna Doe, is now live and FREE with Kindle Unlimited! ➜ https://books2read.com/blairwood-KTB ★★★★★ “This friends to lovers was pure perfection. Five star must read.” -Tilya, Tilyagotbooks ★★★★★ “This book achieved to steal my heart and play with my feelings in the best way […]
Welcome guest author DARIEL RAYE! Ask any writer, published or not quite yet, and you’ll get the same response – “If only I’d known then what I know now.” Of course, I suppose that could be said about life in general, but that’s another post or two, or maybe ten! For today, I’ll talk about […]
Just stopping in to remind everyone in the US about my 2 current Goodreads Giveaways. I’m offering a chance to win 1 of 5 print copies of my steamy romance for Limitless publishing, DIRTY DAMSELS. The giveaway ends Monday, March 21, so if you haven’t entered yet, now is the time to. What if Cynderella […]
This book came out in 2011. That’s the last time I read this particular Harlequin line.
I’ve written a lot about editor letters on this blog on my publishing journey. I’ve experienced success, I’ve also had rejections. And have sometimes explained how in the writing world rejections have different meanings than in other industries. For instance, authors (and editors) like to talk about good or encouraging rejection letters. The kind of letter that instead of completely knocking the breath from your lungs, actually boost your confidence and take you one step closer to your goal.
What I haven’t thought to share was one of those Editor Letters so you can get an idea of how a rejection letter can make a positive impact instead of leaving devastation and dejection behind. Not that there aren’t those type of letters, or that some writers don’t experience those feelings, it does happen. I’ve been there. And I’m sure many authors have horror stories to tell of how they lost themselves in a tub of chocolate and caramel ice-cream…nope? Just me? Okay.
*laughs*
Anyway.
In a previous blog post I shared how I once got my submissions mixed up. Harlequin had an open submission period that guaranteed a quick response from their editorial teams. More than one line was running this Blitz opportunity to pitch. I had two manuscripts I was working on at the time, one I aimed for the Desire and another for the Presents line. I mixed things up at the submission portal and sent my Desire entry to Harlequin Romance…uh yeah.
You know how some people are a klutz and trip over their own feet? Well, I tend to do that sometimes mentally when I’m too excited about something or bone tired. And not in a ‘oh I put my phone in the fridge’ kind of way. More like, ‘crap I’ve been sending emails to my friend’s mother CCing her and she read all my ridiculous ramblings and inappropriate jokes’ kind of mental klutz. I swear on my mother’s love of Nollyhood movies, I am a levelheaded person. I am not uncoordinated in my thoughts, body or manner…but for some reason, like the stupid lisp I get once in a blue moon when I try to pronounce certain words, I make mistakes like this.
It’s ridiculous.
I admit to that.
It shouldn’t happen.
But I’m from the species Human, so it happens.
So, without further exposition here’s the editorial letter I received from the Harlequin Romance line.
Dear Ms. Saunders, Thank you for submitting Breaking All Her Rules for our consideration. We have read your submission with interest: you have an enjoyable, confident, lively writing style, with engaging characters and a fun premise. However, we feel that the story is tonally off-promise for Harlequin Romance, and to revise the submission would be to take it away from the story you have here. However, we do see promise in your voice and would recommend exploring the series guidelines and reading as many books from the Harlequin Romance series as possible to be able to deliver on our series promise. Two recent and good examples are His Cinderella Heiress by Marion Lennox and The Bridesmaid’s Baby Bump by Kandy Shepherd. In the meantime, here are some suggestions for your next submission. Emotional Conflict Harlequin Romances are driven by internal conflicts and a strong, emotional connection between the hero and heroine from the start. Drawing on their emotional conflicts you can explore the development of the characters and show how they are inextricably tied together. There should be a strong emotional arc running through the story, with obstacles creating twists and turns in their romance. Perhaps you could try writing out a plan for your characters, and how they’re emotionally drawn together through the story? Secondary Characters Secondary characters are a great way to add richness and depth to your central romance but it’s important not to let them take over! The hero and heroine are at the core of series romance. The protagonists’ friends can provide context, but the emotional impact of the book should come entirely from your hero and heroine.
Aspirational stories Don’t be afraid to glam it up! Romance stories are highly aspirational – while we want a heroine we can relate to, our hero should whisk her away to something escapist and exciting. The small-town setting you’ve written was once very much part of the Romance promise, but there’s now a much stronger focus on urban settings, with a Cinderella aspirational fantasy driving the story.
Sensuality Harlequin stories have a wide range of sensuality levels between series, but it’s really important to tailor your story’s sensuality the series. Harlequin Romance has a ‘closed-door policy’ – everything explicit happens behind off-the-page. This equally applies to the hero’s thoughts – Harlequin Romances are focused on the emotional, not the physical.
Overall, it’s really important to target your work to a particular series. Try reading the books recommended above to understand what that series delivers to the reader; in Romance we are looking for heroines we can relate to, heroes we can fall in love with and an aspirational story, in which readers are whisked away into a better world! Stories should be pacey, have a feel-good factor and show a relationship experience that is primarily emotional, not physical.
We are sorry to disappoint you on this occasion. However, we really enjoyed reading your submission, and we encourage you to make another, focussing on the Romance series promise and the points above. We hope this feedback is helpful. Thank you for your continuing interest in Harlequin Mills & Boon. Yours sincerely, Editorial
Now I’m going to post to you what the HarlequinDesire line’s submission guidelines is and you can contrast and compare, and read just exactly why my manuscript had missed the mark. (While I hang my head in shame for doing this to myself.)
Contemporary, sensual, conflict-driven romances that feature strong-but-vulnerable alpha heroes and dynamic heroines who want love—and more! Reads that are always powerful, passionate and provocative.
Harlequin Desire Key Elements
Powerful, passionate and provocative contemporary romances set against a backdrop of wealth, privilege and glamour
Intense, dramatic storylines with a highly sensual, passionate feel
Classic romance hooks mixed with juicy, unique elements
High-stakes conflicts (emotional and/or external) drive the plot
Every story includes the sense of a bigger world—extended families, corporations, brotherhoods, best friends, partners, secret societies
Stories are primarily set in North America but can be set elsewhere; they should not feel exotic. The author’s voice sets the tone for each story
Sexual language is euphemistic and romantic, not explicit
The reader should feel swept away from the everyday
Characters should have believable, sympathetic motivations
An emotional payoff befitting a powerful, passionate and provocative read
No paranormal or romantic suspense stories; no sheikh or royalty stories at this time
Featured in Harlequin Desire:
A powerful and wealthy hero—an alpha male with a sense of entitlement, and sometimes arrogance. Beneath his alpha exterior, he displays vulnerability, and he is capable of being saved by the heroine. The Harlequin Desire hero often has fewer scenes from his point of view, but in many ways, he owns the story. Readers should want to fall in love with and rescue the Harlequin Desire hero themselves!
The Harlequin Desire heroine knows who she is and what she wants. She is complex and can be vulnerable herself. She is strong-willed and smart, though capable of making mistakes when it comes to matters of the heart. The heroine is equally as important as the hero, if not more so.
Harlequin Desire stories should take place against the dramatic backdrop of sweeping family saga. The hero and heroine are not isolated from outside influences, even in forced proximity stories. External factors impact the relationship. Their loyalties, goals and personal lives affect their emotions and influence the development of the romance.
Harlequin Desire is…
Revenge or Scandal or Dallas or House of Cards for their wealthy and glamorous settings, intense story arcs that sometimes span generations and highly dramatic, larger-than-life conflicts that characters address in a believable way.
Now you’re thinking, Inge how can you be positive about the rejection letter?
For one, since I aimed it at the wrong line getting rejected by them was a given and didn’t hit hard at all. The project wasn’t rejected because it wasn’t “good” but simply because it didn’t fit. There is a difference. And no need to feel upset about that. Also my small town setting was courtesy of being inspired by all the Maisey Yates books I was reading at the time. I should have read broader. I have also learned since then aspiring HQN authors should stick to the guidelines and not deviate, established authors like Maisey can. Hence, the encouragement from the editors to read the latest books from the line. Again, I can’t be upset over this; I should’ve done my homework.
Secondly, they loved my writing style and voice. Something that is not to be scoffed at. That’s how you hook an editor. They also loved the premise of the story. Which means I have interesting story ideas. I can roll with that. That’s a positive.
Lastly, and importantly, they ended with this, “…we really enjoyed reading your submission, and we encourage you to make another, [focusing] on the Romance series promise and the points above.” Editors don’t write this at the end of a letter if they don’t want you to take them up on it, if they didn’t want to encourage you to do what they recommended, come up with a new story and submit again. They aren’t in the business of being polite to spare your feelings. They have busy lives. Lots of reading to do, their authors to manage, the publishing industry to run…and if you think that a letter addressed to you ending with an encouraging sentence like that was given on a whim than sir/mam you’re underestimating how truly demanding their jobs are. Simply put, they don’t have time to stroke your ego.
I wish I could say I completed Breaking All Her Rules but I haven’t. I literally bummed myself out after that slip up and decided to throw myself into my current manuscript.
I honestly want to give myself the best chance to not do a mental klutz again so I’ve been holding off working on anything for Harlequin. I also want to study the line I want to write for more, do more research on the story ideas I have and just be relaxed about it.
In the meantime I’m polishing my current manuscript like crazy. I’ve spent so much time on it first chucking out my first draft and then rewriting the whole book, then I injured my foot, then the pandemic happened, and now I’m still in recovery but also editing. I want to give this project a fair chance…I want others to give it a fair chance, so I’ll keep polishing until I exhaust all my self-editing knowledge *smile*
And that’s it.
Now you’ve gotten a behind the scenes (BTS) on how a rejection letter can actually leave an author with feelings of hope rather than failure.
I’ve written a lot about editor letters on this blog on my publishing journey. I’ve experienced success, I’ve also had rejections. And have sometimes explained how in the writing world rejections have different meanings than in other industries. For instance, authors (and editors) like to talk about good or encouraging rejection letters. The kind of letter that instead of completely knocking the breath from your lungs, actually boost your confidence and take you one step closer to your goal.
What I haven’t thought to share was one of those Editor Letters so you can get an idea of how a rejection letter can make a positive impact instead of leaving devastation and dejection behind. Not that there aren’t those type of letters, or that some writers don’t experience those feelings, it does happen. I’ve been there. And I’m sure many authors have horror stories to tell of how they lost themselves in a tub of chocolate and caramel ice-cream…nope? Just me? Okay.
*laughs*
Anyway.
In a previous blog post I shared how I once got my submissions mixed up. Harlequin had an open submission period that guaranteed a quick response from their editorial teams. More than one line was running this Blitz opportunity to pitch. I had two manuscripts I was working on at the time, one I aimed for the Desire and another for the Presents line. I mixed things up at the submission portal and sent my Desire entry to Harlequin Romance…uh yeah.
You know how some people are a klutz and trip over their own feet? Well, I tend to do that sometimes mentally when I’m too excited about something or bone tired. And not in a ‘oh I put my phone in the fridge’ kind of way. More like, ‘crap I’ve been sending emails to my friend’s mother CCing her and she read all my ridiculous ramblings and inappropriate jokes’ kind of mental klutz. I swear on my mother’s love of Nollyhood movies, I am a levelheaded person. I am not uncoordinated in my thoughts, body or manner…but for some reason, like the stupid lisp I get once in a blue moon when I try to pronounce certain words, I make mistakes like this.
It’s ridiculous.
I admit to that.
It shouldn’t happen.
But I’m from the species Human, so it happens.
So, without further exposition here’s the editorial letter I received from the Harlequin Romance line.
Dear Ms. Saunders, Thank you for submitting Breaking All Her Rules for our consideration. We have read your submission with interest: you have an enjoyable, confident, lively writing style, with engaging characters and a fun premise. However, we feel that the story is tonally off-promise for Harlequin Romance, and to revise the submission would be to take it away from the story you have here. However, we do see promise in your voice and would recommend exploring the series guidelines and reading as many books from the Harlequin Romance series as possible to be able to deliver on our series promise. Two recent and good examples are His Cinderella Heiress by Marion Lennox and The Bridesmaid’s Baby Bump by Kandy Shepherd. In the meantime, here are some suggestions for your next submission. Emotional Conflict Harlequin Romances are driven by internal conflicts and a strong, emotional connection between the hero and heroine from the start. Drawing on their emotional conflicts you can explore the development of the characters and show how they are inextricably tied together. There should be a strong emotional arc running through the story, with obstacles creating twists and turns in their romance. Perhaps you could try writing out a plan for your characters, and how they’re emotionally drawn together through the story? Secondary Characters Secondary characters are a great way to add richness and depth to your central romance but it’s important not to let them take over! The hero and heroine are at the core of series romance. The protagonists’ friends can provide context, but the emotional impact of the book should come entirely from your hero and heroine.
Aspirational stories Don’t be afraid to glam it up! Romance stories are highly aspirational – while we want a heroine we can relate to, our hero should whisk her away to something escapist and exciting. The small-town setting you’ve written was once very much part of the Romance promise, but there’s now a much stronger focus on urban settings, with a Cinderella aspirational fantasy driving the story.
Sensuality Harlequin stories have a wide range of sensuality levels between series, but it’s really important to tailor your story’s sensuality the series. Harlequin Romance has a ‘closed-door policy’ – everything explicit happens behind off-the-page. This equally applies to the hero’s thoughts – Harlequin Romances are focused on the emotional, not the physical.
Overall, it’s really important to target your work to a particular series. Try reading the books recommended above to understand what that series delivers to the reader; in Romance we are looking for heroines we can relate to, heroes we can fall in love with and an aspirational story, in which readers are whisked away into a better world! Stories should be pacey, have a feel-good factor and show a relationship experience that is primarily emotional, not physical.
We are sorry to disappoint you on this occasion. However, we really enjoyed reading your submission, and we encourage you to make another, focussing on the Romance series promise and the points above. We hope this feedback is helpful. Thank you for your continuing interest in Harlequin Mills & Boon. Yours sincerely, Editorial
Now I’m going to post to you what the HarlequinDesire line’s submission guidelines is and you can contrast and compare, and read just exactly why my manuscript had missed the mark. (While I hang my head in shame for doing this to myself.)
Contemporary, sensual, conflict-driven romances that feature strong-but-vulnerable alpha heroes and dynamic heroines who want love—and more! Reads that are always powerful, passionate and provocative.
Harlequin Desire Key Elements
Powerful, passionate and provocative contemporary romances set against a backdrop of wealth, privilege and glamour
Intense, dramatic storylines with a highly sensual, passionate feel
Classic romance hooks mixed with juicy, unique elements
High-stakes conflicts (emotional and/or external) drive the plot
Every story includes the sense of a bigger world—extended families, corporations, brotherhoods, best friends, partners, secret societies
Stories are primarily set in North America but can be set elsewhere; they should not feel exotic. The author’s voice sets the tone for each story
Sexual language is euphemistic and romantic, not explicit
The reader should feel swept away from the everyday
Characters should have believable, sympathetic motivations
An emotional payoff befitting a powerful, passionate and provocative read
No paranormal or romantic suspense stories; no sheikh or royalty stories at this time
Featured in Harlequin Desire:
A powerful and wealthy hero—an alpha male with a sense of entitlement, and sometimes arrogance. Beneath his alpha exterior, he displays vulnerability, and he is capable of being saved by the heroine. The Harlequin Desire hero often has fewer scenes from his point of view, but in many ways, he owns the story. Readers should want to fall in love with and rescue the Harlequin Desire hero themselves!
The Harlequin Desire heroine knows who she is and what she wants. She is complex and can be vulnerable herself. She is strong-willed and smart, though capable of making mistakes when it comes to matters of the heart. The heroine is equally as important as the hero, if not more so.
Harlequin Desire stories should take place against the dramatic backdrop of sweeping family saga. The hero and heroine are not isolated from outside influences, even in forced proximity stories. External factors impact the relationship. Their loyalties, goals and personal lives affect their emotions and influence the development of the romance.
Harlequin Desire is…
Revenge or Scandal or Dallas or House of Cards for their wealthy and glamorous settings, intense story arcs that sometimes span generations and highly dramatic, larger-than-life conflicts that characters address in a believable way.
Now you’re thinking, Inge how can you be positive about the rejection letter?
For one, since I aimed it at the wrong line getting rejected by them was a given and didn’t hit hard at all. The project wasn’t rejected because it wasn’t “good” but simply because it didn’t fit. There is a difference. And no need to feel upset about that. Also my small town setting was courtesy of being inspired by all the Maisey Yates books I was reading at the time. I should have read broader. I have also learned since then aspiring HQN authors should stick to the guidelines and not deviate, established authors like Maisey can. Hence, the encouragement from the editors to read the latest books from the line. Again, I can’t be upset over this; I should’ve done my homework.
Secondly, they loved my writing style and voice. Something that is not to be scoffed at. That’s how you hook an editor. They also loved the premise of the story. Which means I have interesting story ideas. I can roll with that. That’s a positive.
Lastly, and importantly, they ended with this, “…we really enjoyed reading your submission, and we encourage you to make another, [focusing] on the Romance series promise and the points above.” Editors don’t write this at the end of a letter if they don’t want you to take them up on it, if they didn’t want to encourage you to do what they recommended, come up with a new story and submit again. They aren’t in the business of being polite to spare your feelings. They have busy lives. Lots of reading to do, their authors to manage, the publishing industry to run…and if you think that a letter addressed to you ending with an encouraging sentence like that was given on a whim than sir/mam you’re underestimating how truly demanding their jobs are. Simply put, they don’t have time to stroke your ego.
I wish I could say I completed Breaking All Her Rules but I haven’t. I literally bummed myself out after that slip up and decided to throw myself into my current manuscript.
I honestly want to give myself the best chance to not do a mental klutz again so I’ve been holding off working on anything for Harlequin. I also want to study the line I want to write for more, do more research on the story ideas I have and just be relaxed about it.
In the meantime I’m polishing my current manuscript like crazy. I’ve spent so much time on it first chucking out my first draft and then rewriting the whole book, then I injured my foot, then the pandemic happened, and now I’m still in recovery but also editing. I want to give this project a fair chance…I want others to give it a fair chance, so I’ll keep polishing until I exhaust all my self-editing knowledge *smile*
And that’s it.
Now you’ve gotten a behind the scenes (BTS) on how a rejection letter can actually leave an author with feelings of hope rather than failure.
One of the big things about writing a paranormal novel is world building, in my case specifically an alternate world.
You’re operating in a fictional world that doesn’t exist. That could be from planets, hidden “worlds” within the existing world e.g. faeries, werewolves, etc. other-world societies that rule the human world, stories set on earth but with events that aren’t normal for our world, e.g. time travel.
It’s so broad and frankly only limited to how far your imagination stretches.
Before the pandemic hit, I got a rejection on my paranormal novel with a “if you want to, you can revise and submit in six months”. The editor had taken the time to actually write a detailed letter on what I needed to focus on. Also any future projects I should feel free to submit.
So, not what we writers would call a bad rejection.
One of the things the editor pointed out was world building.
And funnily enough when I read his comment and suggestion, I immediately understood what he meant. I had written a novella. It was under 40K and full disclosure; the novella hadn’t initially been aimed at this specific publisher. I had rewritten my paranormal story and I knew it wouldn’t be a good fit for my current publisher’s series line I had aimed it for. And erroneously thought I could with some tweaks submit it to this other publisher. Alas that didn’t work.
And I’m glad.
Because right now as I’m polishing the novel and getting it ready for re-submission I feel good about the story.
Anyway, back to world building.
So that’s what I focused on first. What were the things that might not have grounded the characters in the world or made the world believable or even made it impossible for the reader to imagine as they read the story?
In my quest to correct this I did what every self-respecting writer would do. I researched. And this was what I learned.
Create rules and parameters of my world: types of people and werewolves, their physical characteristics, their powers (and how those powers work), customs (how the characters mate, how they survive, how they deal with criminals, etc.), technology, weaponry, and many other details that fit with the action and romance of my story.
Be consistent throughout my story. Every rule I have established should be followed. If I deviate from that for any reason, then I should have a very plausible basis for it.
Make events a natural outgrowth of my characters’ motivations and actions, or those of my societies. You can write almost anything if you motivate it properly, and the reader will go right along with you.
Every aspect of my story contributes to world building. What the characters believe about the world. How it makes them act and react. How they think about and treat each other. How they compare to the norm of their situation.
The dialogue, the clothes, their attitude and reaction in every situation, how others react to them, the obstacles they encounter, who respects or disrespects who, etc. contributes to the reader’s understanding of the world.
Now a lot of these aspects I already had in the story, but needed to expand on. And couldn’t do it in an under 40K novella. So I wrote more story. I built a bigger world than I had before. Definitely with more details to ground the characters.
I know in the future I will, when working on a project like this one, come back to these points and make sure I hit all of them as organically as possible.
ingesaunders.wordpress.com 