Divorce isn’t the End

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That title just made some people who know me extremely nervous *smile*

“When did Inge get married?”

“And when did she divorce?”

“How did I not know this?!”

Uhm…I didn’t. I haven’t. And we are probably not as close as you think if the third question went through your head.

But how can I know this then? I’ve never been married.  How I can speak for divorcees?

I’m not.

I’m not speaking for them. There’s so many things said about people who go through divorce on the internet, either by themselves or professionals. Not so much the ‘bystanders’.

And no I’m not going to comment on divorce in general. What I am going to shine a light on are the children, the grownup ones, who have to either pick up the pieces and/or deal with the emotional aftermath. The ones who have to resign themselves to a life of, “What can I say in front of my mother/father about the other, that in no way harms my relationship with both?”

It is funny how even the most amicable separations can turn sour, because even if both parties are okay with leaving, if the other one seems to have a way “better” time at moving on. Some bitterness sweeps in. And that bitterness, no matter the amount, has an effect on the children.

You can be the most well adjusted, emotionally intelligent adult there is, but when your parents go through a divorce…it wrecks your world. The experience tears something inside of you. You won’t realize until you find yourself waking up in the middle of the night unable to breathe because it feels like the air had been sucked out of your lungs. And as an adult, someone who’s thirty-three years old, people expect you to have it together.

You’re not a child that you lean on your parents support for everything. The bulk of sympathy goes to kids who still haven’t finished school. And trust me, I feel for them. They have absolutely no control over their lives; adults are making decisions for them. At least when you’re a grownup you can tell your parents, “Look I don’t want to deal with your drama anymore.” You can cause them to be shamefaced for the way they are acting, for the way they are having you be the grownup, when they raised you. Not the other way around.

So definitely an up and down side to being an adult with recently divorced parents.

Nevertheless here’s why I believe divorce isn’t the end for adult children with divorced parents, especially if those parents chose to get a divorce, rather than the one cheating on the other or being emotionally and physically abusive, etc. But rather them realizing that they’ve grown apart and want different things from life.

You can still be a family. Two years ago I didn’t think that would be possible. (And I know everyone’s circumstances/families aren’t the same.)

But there is hope of peace. Hope of everyone getting on well together. You don’t have to choose sides adult child of divorced parents *smile*

As we all know, a couple breaking up, most of the time, doesn’t have a direct correlation to the children. It’s their issues with each other. So don’t think that at any point in the future you won’t be able to pick up the strands of the relationship again. Yes, it’s going to be different. There’s going to have to be forgiveness and healing. You’re going to have to openly talk about your issues (if you have any) with each other. Because your mother is still your mother and your father is still your father. That bond isn’t going to go away just because your dad is married to someone new, or your mom chooses to live in a commune with people who dress in white and murmur affirmations under their breath. Just saying.  Through your connection, they are still your family. And that makes something like divorce not final.

Death is final. And I have to say, people who compare the two with each other, might not have any plans of ever moving on from divorce. I still carry the death of my biological father with me, but I don’t carry my parents’ divorce with me. To me, the two can never be lumped under the same heading. I can make peace with a living breathing person, but I can’t with someone who’s no longer there.

So divorce is not the end. It’s the beginning of another different kind of life. But still life.

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Writing Poetry

Last year I did a post on writing poetry, how it’s one of the styles I prefer writing in and also the first type of writing I did as a child (following in my brother and sister’s footsteps *smile*).

I promised to feature some poetry on here every now and then, so in light of a recent *cough* personal blog post I did *smile* I decided to share the level of angst *ha* that went through my head at the time. I usually tend to stay away from posting the oh-so-close-to-home poems I write (those who are friends with me on Facebook knows this. I always put a disclaimer just incase someone tries to connect the dots, when there are none.) I’m a very close to the vest kinda gal when it comes to revealing all, even though if you went through my blog you might not think so *wink* I am.

So this poem is a snapshot of an issue I struggled with recently and I thought I’d share it here, you know because…ugh…why not? …lol

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I feel like I’m staring down a cliff

And I can’t make out what’s below

I’ve never been so conflicted

You want me to jump with you.

You’ve never been my safety

Even though I trusted you

But since you’ve been gone

I’ve made up for lost time.

 

I should’ve left it there

Because my feelings were hurt

I could’ve left it there

Because you wanted to move on,

I must’ve kept it there

Because I couldn’t just jump

When it came to a leap of faith

I just went out and took it.

 

I feel like I’m staring down a cliff

And I don’t know what’s below

Will it be the same old, same old?

Or are you willing to let go?

You’re skirting on the edge of things

Not touching what it was

Can’t really blame you for it

I don’t want to go there either.

 

You should’ve left it there

Because my feelings were hurt

You could’ve left it there

Because you wanted to move on,

You must’ve kept it there

Because I couldn’t just jump

When it came to a leap of faith

I just went out and risked it.

 

And I feel like I’m staring down this cliff

And I can’t make out what’s below

Are you for real?

Or will I get more torn from this?

If this is a measure of faith

Than I’m stretching mine till it gives

I’m just wondering,

Will it be worth the risk?