Divorce isn’t the End

11427726_10153045269419685_2935394529292535852_n

That title just made some people who know me extremely nervous *smile*

“When did Inge get married?”

“And when did she divorce?”

“How did I not know this?!”

Uhm…I didn’t. I haven’t. And we are probably not as close as you think if the third question went through your head.

But how can I know this then? I’ve never been married.  How I can speak for divorcees?

I’m not.

I’m not speaking for them. There’s so many things said about people who go through divorce on the internet, either by themselves or professionals. Not so much the ‘bystanders’.

And no I’m not going to comment on divorce in general. What I am going to shine a light on are the children, the grownup ones, who have to either pick up the pieces and/or deal with the emotional aftermath. The ones who have to resign themselves to a life of, “What can I say in front of my mother/father about the other, that in no way harms my relationship with both?”

It is funny how even the most amicable separations can turn sour, because even if both parties are okay with leaving, if the other one seems to have a way “better” time at moving on. Some bitterness sweeps in. And that bitterness, no matter the amount, has an effect on the children.

You can be the most well adjusted, emotionally intelligent adult there is, but when your parents go through a divorce…it wrecks your world. The experience tears something inside of you. You won’t realize until you find yourself waking up in the middle of the night unable to breathe because it feels like the air had been sucked out of your lungs. And as an adult, someone who’s thirty-three years old, people expect you to have it together.

You’re not a child that you lean on your parents support for everything. The bulk of sympathy goes to kids who still haven’t finished school. And trust me, I feel for them. They have absolutely no control over their lives; adults are making decisions for them. At least when you’re a grownup you can tell your parents, “Look I don’t want to deal with your drama anymore.” You can cause them to be shamefaced for the way they are acting, for the way they are having you be the grownup, when they raised you. Not the other way around.

So definitely an up and down side to being an adult with recently divorced parents.

Nevertheless here’s why I believe divorce isn’t the end for adult children with divorced parents, especially if those parents chose to get a divorce, rather than the one cheating on the other or being emotionally and physically abusive, etc. But rather them realizing that they’ve grown apart and want different things from life.

You can still be a family. Two years ago I didn’t think that would be possible. (And I know everyone’s circumstances/families aren’t the same.)

But there is hope of peace. Hope of everyone getting on well together. You don’t have to choose sides adult child of divorced parents *smile*

As we all know, a couple breaking up, most of the time, doesn’t have a direct correlation to the children. It’s their issues with each other. So don’t think that at any point in the future you won’t be able to pick up the strands of the relationship again. Yes, it’s going to be different. There’s going to have to be forgiveness and healing. You’re going to have to openly talk about your issues (if you have any) with each other. Because your mother is still your mother and your father is still your father. That bond isn’t going to go away just because your dad is married to someone new, or your mom chooses to live in a commune with people who dress in white and murmur affirmations under their breath. Just saying.  Through your connection, they are still your family. And that makes something like divorce not final.

Death is final. And I have to say, people who compare the two with each other, might not have any plans of ever moving on from divorce. I still carry the death of my biological father with me, but I don’t carry my parents’ divorce with me. To me, the two can never be lumped under the same heading. I can make peace with a living breathing person, but I can’t with someone who’s no longer there.

So divorce is not the end. It’s the beginning of another different kind of life. But still life.

C00228181_0f4767e0-fa25-11e5-b3ca-02000a1940ae

The Moral Stand of the Parent

7e11d4d4a10f4cc7c62d1a0c95a1c44b

I haven`t noticed this as much as I have recently on my Facebook feed. The ‘public’ outcry of parents on celebrities like Justin Bieber ( I use plural because I don`t want it to sound like I`m targeting the poor kid-and yes I know some would look at me with disapproval for sympathizing with him. But please do not let this stop you from reading further *grin*).

Of course I took a moment to mourn my last couple of weeks of being a twenty-something and glowered at my screen because clearly I was being bombarded with parent angst when I could care less what celebrities are doing.

These public figures are placed on moral pedestals and in role model ‘roles’ that the average human being would shy away from. Of course then some witty parent would say, “yeah but they chose to be public figures, it comes with the territory.” Uh…logical fallacy parent. Have you heard of that? It`s a logical conclusion but the premise is false. No one who was blessed with a talent aspire to be hounded down constantly, boxed in into a label and category that fits someone else`s view.

The bad thing with celebrities that get fame from a young age; they have no concept of who they are. They haven`t experienced much of life to be able to define certain things about their characters. They are going to make mistakes…in public. And yes, some of those mistakes are going to be deliberate *shaking my head* As someone who once was a teenager I can testify that yes, I also made intentional mistakes, knowing full well what the consequences were going to be, but I still did it anyway.

Right now as I`m writing this; I realize that even as adults we still sometimes do that, but I`m not here to write about adults, I`m here to dedicate this post to parents.

Look, I get it. It`s tough being a parent. I`ve never been one. But I have parents. I know what a rascal I was. I know that you would love perfect human beings that your kids look up to and for them to grow up well-adjusted. But it`s not always going to be like that. If I think of all the music I listened to as a teenager, all the ‘heroes’ and ‘heroines’ I had. Feet of clay all of them. Some of them were doing more than just ‘twerking’ on stage. Yes I grew up on Britney and yes I saw her snog Madonna. And no, I didn’t stop listening to her and I didn’t start snogging Madonna *laugh*

My point to this spiel: Parent, you’re the most influential ‘public figure’ your kid`s ever going to have. What you say and do, affects them in ways a celebrity like Justin Bieber never will. The love, the support you give. The advice.  The picking up when they`re falling down. The way you live your life, is more of a benefit to them than your views on celebrities.

I love my parents. They never once ranted about a celebrity I liked, of course when I was in high school there wasn`t a Facebook and Twitter to blast on. My parents were safely in their ‘parent bubble’, living their lives, giving guidance as Slim Shady boomed from my ‘old Skool’ five disc CD player. They probably hated that I played his music so loud and would have loved to confiscate that CD if they could get their hands on it. But they simply didn`t care what Slim Shady was up to, they didn`t watch MTV. They didn`t care about E-News. What gossip rags? And no my parents aren`t in their sixties they`re in their mid-fifties. They could have if they wanted. But they didn`t. And still doesn`t.

The moral stand parents should take should be in their households. Not on my News Feed where all I do is cringe at their selective memories. One actually boasted on Rock bands past who were great philanthropists compared to Justin Bieber and One Direction. Seriously? *lol* A Rock band? Talk about selective memory. But I understand, the older I get I`m also prone to speak such profanities like “in my time”, “our generation”, “oh heavens no!”…okay that last one`s me being ridiculous. But still. It`s this demonizing of teenagers being teenagers that prompted this post.

Was it so easy to forget…? That parent that`s what you once were? I recently said this and I`ll say it again, if I was judged for what I posted on Facebook, Twitter and my WordPress blog, than I am in serious trouble, more so, if someone followed me around 24/7 waiting for me to fall on my face.